yelnatS edualC sinneD piR

I saw this car parked on the side of the road. The blinkers were flashing. The driver’s side door was halfway open. It was around 11:30 in the morning, damn near the hottest part of the day. I needed to get to the bank so I could return some money the bank said I owed them. I kept looking at my gas lever that had been hovering around E for the past four days. Short trips. Short trips only. I take a hit of my black and mild as I roll the my window down, just enough to ash out while I let air in. I look in my rearview mirror to check if any police are near. I see nothing. Sometimes I don’t care for payday. Even though I’m able to keep these bills paid, there’s something about only keeping these bills paid that is destructive.

Go!

I wonder if this is why the properties continue to raise in the ville. I remember working at that Bojangles. 5.50 an hour back then. Fuck. I can’t believe I’m still around here. All this shit going on and I’m just, here. Funny thing about the bank is that I can’t take from them, but they can take from me. I would like to go up to the counter and say,

“Hey, can I have like $18 real quick?” They would say, “Here you go.”

Left turns are the devil. Or Jesus. I can’t figure out who I should make my references to anymore. God versus the Devil, but Satan is Lucifer which is the light bearer and illumination, but God and Jesus are one, but Jesus is the son which is like some West Virginia shit but hell if my know. I should get her some flowers. Flowers cost more than I possess. I should just go to that yard over there and tear some off. 5 mph over. I need a phone. I would really like to prank call the DMV right now.

I saw this car parked on the side of the road. The lights were off. All the doors were closed. It was around 2 in the afternoon, damn near the hottest part of the day. I need to pay this rent before I go home. I hate paying rent. It’s just a simple reminder that if I go down, we all go down. Gas light is still on. Can’t believe I made it back without running out. I should stop by the store. I wonder if I have in change under this trash?

I saw this car parked on the side of the road. The lights were off. All the doors were closed. A shirt was in the driver’s side window. It was around 3 in the afternoon, damn near the hottest part of the day.

rehcturC ecnereT piR

I had a dream right now that I have the ability to remember every single dream I have ever had.

I have the power to not only remember past dreams, but also the ability to control present and future dreams.

I woke up and began my journey.

“I Give A Fuck”: It’s in your best interest to do so.

It got hot this summer didn’t it? From the Olympics, to bombings, to more killings, to more protests, this summer has shed light on what life is really like behind the curtain. One could say I have become desensitized to the murders by not always commenting on them, but I haven’t become numb to it at all. Every murder hurts my soul just as the one before. The non-publicized hurt me just as much as the ones that are captured by the media. The “Natives” that were gassed and had dogs on them hurt me just the same. Since these murders and injustices have grabbed my soul over the past decade or so, I have evolved my thinking as I studied more to gather more information on psyche, rather than the semantics of the situation. No longer do I have conversations or debates on if they had their hands up, or if they ran, or if they actually complied, or if there was a dash cam available. I don’t need that type of evidence to sway my opinion on if “Person ‘x’ deserved to die or not”. Because when you want to wait around for the evidence to show itself, then you lend yourself to be swept up in emotions, and those emotions are a dangerous place to be. It also leads you to rationalize one way or another and get into a debate about right and wrong, and once you engage in this debate, you no longer want to hear or listen, you just want to win. And what’s the point of winning an argument when the person you are arguing over is dead? Emotions will have you demonizing victims to increase your confidence in those who you deem innocent.

As I go down my timeline, the same thing happens over and over again; People pick a side and stay there without having any type of nuance, nor any history lessons they know of. Most of the debates are just on semantics, you know, the things you discuss when you don’t feel like dealing with issues that go below the surface. It is disheartening at times, but it’s not surprising at all. As a Moor, you see these reactions, these posts, and these comments and it’s all just a continuous reminder that most people do not care, have never cared, and do not want to be bothered with anything that makes them uncomfortable.

From what we see, time after time, are people who are sitting around waiting to “win” against an injustice. It’s as if they are sitting there, hoping something happens within the situation so they can somehow prove that racism doesn’t exist, or that black people are as dangerous as they think they are. Check your timelines, check the posts and the comments section and you’ll see it. And this isn’t something that people are holding in and not speak on, they are individuals that cannot wait to shut those Black Lives Matter people up. And then, to compound the situation, there are black people who can’t wait to bring up “black on black” crime as if all other crimes that deal with proximity aren’t near the percentage rate of black on black crime, but why then would you care to look into it.

I wonder if there are white people who are as fed up with racist white people as much as black people are fed up with racist white people? I wonder if white folks are tired of these injustices, and fed up with other racists acts? I wonder if white people are just as frustrated with their other white comrades who don’t get?

I digress. It hurts though. It really hurts when someone who looks like you refuses to have dialogue with you about these injustices. It sucks when someone does not contain the knowledge you have, nor will they add to the conversation. You know what it’s like to converse with someone who says, “Well I mean if they would just do what the police said, they wouldn’t die.” or “Niggas don’t take care of their own anyway.” That’s right, it’s as if it’s Martin Luther King Jr. had another dream that was directed by Quientin Tarrantino and Donald Trump; Two forces combining for what you didn’t expect, White Supremacy. See it’s not isolated incidents around the country or something that just so happened that one time, these are Instutions at work. We as people have been institutionalized and programmed into thinking these things don’t matter and if we just act accordingly and take it, we would be just fine because the government has our best interests on their hearts.

I know with the latest video showing there to be no gun, then a gun appearing won’t do much with the conversation. Why? Because there are those who are stuck on winning! Racism exists. Police Brutality exist. Policing has been taking a toll, death toll on individuals for decades, centuries. People just do not want to admit that something is wrong with a group of people they do not care for. People want to continue the gun vs book argument as if that will change the way policing is in this country. You want to debate these semantics as if “winning” this time will do anything for you. Will it? Will you study more? Will you prepare more? Will you study the psychology and social aspects? Will one going to jail do something for us all? Maybe. It might push things in the direction of being fair and equal….. Probably not, but there are those that hope the legislations will change. The policies and procedures could change as well. That’s a lot of hoping and wishing. Voting comes with that, the right candidate as well as law enforcement, and then they would have to change their training, what weapons they have and actions they can take on citizens. Seems like a lot right? And that’s not even covering the simple fact that policing has been this way since the jump.

So what do you do with a system that doesn’t always work for the people, but does not want to change? Keep in my that there are those that firmly believe this system is fine the way it is and does not need to change one bit. It’s rough out here. Even if it’s not rough out here for you personally, there are those who are hurting daily and nobody cares to care. There are individuals that are perfectly content on them hurting as well.

Mooresville just had a protest. I watched the video. I also watched videos, posts and tweets about it before it started. People are afraid of black people. People are afraid and that’s the way we like it. Fear is something that continues to rule our lives and for some reason we love to spread it around to others so they can be afraid with us. We release our frustrations in many different ways, and for some, those frustrations go unheard and unnoticed.

We some not giving a fuck individuals in this world. It’s time we gave a fuck.

ECU Band Takes a Knee

College doesn’t seem to be the best place for expression of self and beliefs. I watch a comedic documentary a month ago about comedians in the industry and how they would be censored in clubs and on campuses. There was a particular gentleman that was at Washington State that was kicked out of school for doing a play that mock politics and religion. The people who had a problem with the show would purposely show up just shout expletives throughout the show, even though the college was “fine” with the show before the angry mob surfaced. There are rules put in place to keep young individuals from expressing themselves through art, protest, and various other areas that involve social stances. More light has shown on these campuses since Colin Kaepernick refused to stand for the National Anthem, or until the media actually noticed it. Although many of the issues he continues to protest about are going unmentioned, people gathered together to dismiss the conversation with the protection of the flag. With all that actually get it, and as many times as they have articulated their message in truest form on what the protest is about, and what it’s not about, people have still refused to engage in meaning conversation about the issues. In professional sports we’ve seen it simmer down in a sense as most have just forgotten about it and stuck to watching the games, even as commentators continue to say, “It’s disrespectful to do that to the flag”. That’s professional, in which men and women feel they have more freedom to express themselves even though we see that isn’t always true as sponsors are quitting on their clients that protest and some coaches refusing to play players that protest as well. On a collegiate level, there seems to be less freedom to speak as the cost of free speech continues to put these students in debt with the faculty and campus.

As a North Carolinian, it’s been quite the year for this state. From the HB2 bill, to the all star game and college championship games being removed to other sites, citizens being gunned down by police, taxes being raised on the sneak, and the Panthers are bad at the moment. That Panthers plug was a ploy to get sports talk in here, but I digress. A friend of mine, who is an ECU alum was on twitter talking about the protest and the reaction from the school. I hadn’t heard anything about since there are 5,000 college football games every week, but once I saw his tweets, I began to do some research. Now usually when I see someone protest the anthem in college, I smile because they are taking a stand on injustices in America and that always brings a smile to my face. I also frown at the notion they will be tormented with, boos, posts, hateful tweets, death threats, and no backup from the university. We witnessed the player from Nebraska, we seen the press conference, but theat doesn’t seem to internalize with those that only think about the flag.

So what do you do as a college student? How do you go about the protest when you know there are forces in writing that oppose you to do so? Most high schools and others have protested together, which seems like the most plausible thing to do that keeps the heat off just one person. Even if everyone doesn’t take a knee, or stand, can’t those who don’t physically protest still stand with their brothers and sisters? Can’t those in the stands comprehend their message? The answer is a resounding no. Not only are fans booing players and band members, the schools aren’t giving support to those who protest.

Some members of the ECU band took a knee during the national anthem that they play (that’s gangster), and those around in a position of power are doing what those in power do; One up. An ECU Radio Affiliate has decided not to broadcast the game because some of the band members “disgraced” themselves. What is disgraceful about protesting injustices in America? Is it because these are injustices you care nothing about? Is it a black/white thing? Is it a “know your place” thing? Is it a “I don’t want to see that” thing? It’s a combination of all of them. There is a certain discomfort level for those who are forced to think about things they are accustomed to thinking about. A protest is designed to not be nice, generous, and non-controversial.

So what should students at ECU do? What should fans do? What does one do when scholarships can be taken whether you’re in sports, band, clubs, etc? When there is money involved in the schools, very seldom do you see a school take a hard line stance. There’s usually a fluff statement publicly, even knowing those on campus, boosters and sponsors want protesters done away with.

Protesting the protest. Think about that for a moment. The ECU radio affiliate wants to protest the band members’ protest. But the ECU radio affiliate is protesting them protesting the flag, but the protest isn’t about the flag simply. Are they protesting against the injustices black people have experienced in this country? That would be odd.

From white people in blackface and others in monkey suits, it’s quite clear things aren’t as we think. We continue to say we are free to express ourselves, even though people express certain things with the intent to devalue another human being or a group of human beings. ECU has added themselves to the list of those who don’t get it and don’t want to.

I feel for the college students who protest, especially when so much can be taken from you. Those that are with these band members, stay with them. Continue to stay the course and find support in friends, as well as financial support because you never know what will happen on a college campus. Those scholarships can be taken at any moment, and school isn’t as affordable as people make it out to be.

The abuse of Institutional power is real, especially when it can have an effect on your livelihood. PR and Twitter are having a field day with this one, I just hope the conversation about the injustices continues and moves keep getting made. People will continue to be angry as the outrage machine rolls through the media, but that cannot and should not dampen the efforts of these students.

Cape Season: Politics and Life

You know what happens when you align yourself to an ideal or narrative in which you did not create; Hilary Clinton or Donald Trump. That’s right ladies and gentleman, all those years of telling black people they were dumb for not voting, and that “our ancestors died for you to vote” has now reared its ugly head to not be fact. Folks did die for equal rights and voting, but as we have seen election after election, they were fooled and so are we. Did we not learn about the electoral college in grade school? Did we not learn that candidates are “selected”, rather than “elected”? Al Gore? Florida? Michigan? Obama winning before the west coast votes came in? I have researched more than the items in the media, but the things in the media I thought were pretty revealing about voting for the president. I thought we would’ve known by now that this voting we partake in is a farce. The illusion that we, us, people are able to select the leader of this country. I thought maybe once Clinton and Trump were the options, we would finally reject the notion this presidential election needs us, but I was wrong. I am very wrong actually. The amount of undecided voters and conversation on why either candidate is the right fit makes my brain dissolved back into the soil. This has to be the most expensive reality show ever produced by the government and marketing.

I understand why we as human beings will fight for anything, just because we’ve already attached our name to the cause, but I just don’t get it. I don’t get why we think we have to do something because we’ve done it before. Right now it would seem that we are being taken for a joke, but that doesn’t even matter to us. We will still choose between Clinton or Trump, regardless of the fooletry that is set before us. You know how people defend their pastor, minister or religious figure? You know how people defend their religion, no matter what it says or has done? We know people who defend discrimination, racism, and other injustices. They defend them because they align themselves with a certain ideal, and once they are inside that box, there is no way for them to get out.

“I like trump because he says what he feels, and that’s what we need in this country, for people to say how they feel and be honest. There’s nothing wrong when people disagree.” Really? That’s how it should be? That’s what it has come to. Freedom of speech has allowed others to hate others freely under the guise of a “free speech America”.  I see what’s happening. As long as you are honest, then there’s no reason for you to evolve as a human. If you don’t like brown people, then you can hate them, as long as you’re honest about it. Do you hate non-citizens? There are others who feel the same way, so that’s ok. If my favorite color is red, and yours is yellow, then that’s just what it is. If I can’t fathom why yellow could be anyone’s favorite color, and you can’t fathom why red could be anyone’s favorite color, then there lies an issue. We are disagreeing on semantics that can be adjusted. We are arguing for why our opinion can’t be the only right one. If you’re a racist, and I’m black, then we disagree on some things, right. So is it ok for you to stay who you are? By the “trump logic” it’s fine if you stay a racist. Does racism bother me? Yes. Does institutional racism bother me? Yes. If you call me a nigger does it bother me? Not exactly. You calling me a nigger is just semantics, because there are many other words or languages you can use to try to insult me just the same. However, I will flex because your intent was to do me harm, and therefore I must become your karma in the flesh. One of the issues with disagreements is the feeling that nobody should evolve their way of thinking after a disagreement. If I tell you about gentrification, and you disagree, what should happen next? For me, I understand why you wouldn’t believe it to be true, and I don’t expect you to just accept it on the fly. I would hope the new information would have a positive effect on your life. For you, what would you hope your disagreement to mean for me? Do you want to change my mind? Are you giving me something new to think about? Or do you just want to argue the point? We have the tendency to argue for the sake of keeping our points holy. Sometimes it doesn’t even matter if the subject is important, we will pick a side and debate it, rather than having a conversation. We believe we that our way of living is the only way to live, and since we are a “free country” we should live however we want. This is the thing: This isn’t a free country, you don’t have a free mind, and almost everything you know is borrowed info from someone else who thought the same thing. Therefore, you do not have any creative thinking or original thoughts, nor do you know how to express yourself spiritually without the guide and affirmation of an ideal or another person. That was a mouthful. It’s true though, right? What do you know that you studied, researched, and came to a conclusion, and then allowed yourself to say, “this knowledge I have can evolve. It is not complete, nor is it full”.

this is what happens when you align yourself with voting on the presidential level. It’s not much better on the local level, but change can happen when you vote locally. For me, I feel those who fought for our right to vote was more of a concept than of voting in a literal sense. How ironic that they fought, died and were jailed for us to “matter” when we see we don’t. This isn’t even a race issue to my knowledge. All who go to the voting booth are tallied the same, even though they try to succeed in not having your vote count. It’s disheartening to think that even this election won’t even sway us. We will continue to stand firm with our beliefs that we are the ones voting in the president, and somehow those that don’t should not complain when things happen afterward.

Am I voting for the president? No. I’m fine. Knowing what I know, I won’t bother myself in the pit of this decision, as if our decisions will decide anything. We aren’t hopeless by any means, nor should we feel we are. We are just caught up fighting over the crumbs they have fed us. And for many reasons, we treat these crumbs like the last meal on earth. We all know how we act when things are scarce and we think we are the gatekeepers our things: We fight to the death to keep them. I just feel the country is deciding on things that are already decided. We are pitting ourselves against each other as we defend candidates they would give two shits about us. So why do we care about them so much? Why do we care about their narrative so much? You aren’t less of an American if you do not vote. The Congress isn’t looking to us to make decisions for them.

Remind yourself of why you are voting again and see if it makes any logical sense.

M.L.E.

Each gasp for air is just that; A Gasp

Two pairs of hands around my neck for so long, I can’t tell if I’m helping or holding myself down.

I missed something along the way. I must have overlooked something in my travels on this earth.

What did I miss? What was I not equipped with? Why do I not have that urge?

I don’t know. I ask myself then answer myself. It seems insane that I would be the answer and the blame.

I can’t sleep. Eyes opening still daydreaming as if I were a child.

Work, Sleep, Die.

Can’t be. This cannot be life. I must live!

I check the clock, not because I need to know the time, but only because I’m concerned with how much time has passed.

I’ve smoked more than I ever have before. I gives me time and space to think. The nicotine doesn’t do the justice. It can’t alter my mind.

I’ve made moves. Moves are present and future tense, as in “making”.

I don’t wait. It’s done, then on to the next.

Where is that drive? Where is that fire? Where are my connections to those I have connected with before?
I can’t hold on to you. I can’t hold on to it.

Some days I want to die. Not permanently, just for a little while. Time machine life. Go back and redo. Re-learn. Re-experience. Hold those moments. Harness that energy to recreate it again and again.

The energy is here. Then I let it leave.

Why?

Why do I have these bursts of brilliance, only to be satisfied with the moment?

I don’t fucking know. It’s frustrating. I don’t know who is in my way.

Is it me?

I don’t know it all, but I know enough to keep learning.

I must apply. Put it to use before I take myself down.

I don’t know what my thoughts are going to do next.

I don’t know what all is in there.

That’s what excites me. That’s what scares me.

Blame The Kaep

Reading! It’s not that bad once you started. I don’t think I’ve read a book front to back in years, but I still download the pdfs and skim through them. It’s a terrible admission from someone who claims to love information and history, but somehow I’ve only been able to watch videos, clips, movies, documentaries, posts and news articles. So I’m on bleacherreport.com checking out the daily sports stories and I come across an article on the future of Colin Kaepernick’s protest. It was mainly an article on how protests and marching are a static ritual, which they are, and what effect can they possibly have when the media and public no longer pay attention. The protests, as far as kneeling or fist raising has lost steam in coverage, but it hasn’t lost its effectiveness in discussion. The simple fact is we do not have time to stick to a story, especially when it is something we as a society do not intend on participating in. We’ve already discussed the particulars, the semantics, and there are still those who have the, “don’t disrespect the flag, or this country” narrative. Our ability to remove subjective thinking to look at issues objectively is the force that keeps us at an overall standstill. If someone has domestic violence in our past, that will continue to be the topic of conversation whenever they speak. Things only matter when we want them to matter. Take Nate Parker for instance, he’s been on tv shows and in movies before he headlined his current movie, but the outrage hasn’t appeared until now. Remember when Donald Sterling was losing his team, all of that information on how he operated was very clear, but it only mattered when he was caught on tape. I’m not issuing innocence or guilt for either, just outlined the fact that we apply pressure when it is convenient.

I had a point to make…

Oh yes, so after I read the Kaepernick article, I thought about how many have been killed since the killing here in Charlotte. It got me to thinking about how the media only covers what it does and when it does. There could literally be a protest in four to five states every week for those who have been killed by police. There’s just this one thing: there has to be a way to harness all the fears, hate and stereotypes into one story. Is a black man with a knife a good story? No. Is a white guy with a warrant and fleeing police a good story? No. It has to be the narrative that works, and the narrative that will bring upon the best results; Outrage, good story, video, likes, comments, actors, protests, curfews, and state of emergencies. There has to be that, “Justified or not” that plays into the basic conditioned response.

So I googled, “how many people have been killed by police since August 2016” (maybe my longest google search ever that wasn’t vile) and came to the killedbypolice.com. Dates, names, links, videos and news articles filled my phone. As I began to scroll, goosebumps and a feeling of sickness ran over my body. Tears began to form as I looked at the names on the list. Some of them I knew, but most of them I didn’t. I stopped looking once I realized I was still in the month of October; today is October 13th. I finally click on one from Seattle that had two men fighting in a wooded area. The police attempted to break up the fight and one of the men were shot and killed. The one was killed had a knife and had stabbed the other man. The article stated this sentence, “It’s unfortunate we had an officer-involved shooting, but it’s a dangerous area.”  Think about that sentence for a minute. What’s a life worth these days? Anyways, I didn’t come into this only looking for unarmed black men who were killed by police, because that isn’t what concerns me the most. I’m interested in the thought process of why we think there should be a profession in which you are knighted by the government to take human lives. Unarmed black fall under that spectrum, at a higher rate. I just wonder why only two or three hit the news a year. I also wonder why this Seattle story isn’t mainstream worthy. I wonder why we pick sides on, “who deserved to die” as well. Why do we want our police to be able to kill people? Why do we have a society that encourages killing? Why do we have a society that profits of our fears of being taken advantage of, so we need to protect ourselves with guns? How many people have died because somebody was afraid of someone? How many people have killed someone because they thought the person(s) was a threat to their lives? How many people have killed police because they felt the police would kill them? How many police have killed people because they were afraid? How many police have killed people because it was the easiest way to resolve the situation?

Think about that last question. Killing someone is the easy way out, especially when there is probable cause. There aren’t homicidal investigations when police kill. They only investigate the letter of the law of that particular situation. They aren’t going through their history to see is there has been a pattern of abuse and intimidation. Shooting is easy. The act of killing is easier than we would like to imagine. Pulling a trigger is made more easy when you have been trained to do so and the likelihood of you doing any jail time is almost minimal.

Kneeling won’t stop it. Raised fists won’t stop it. Even though those semantics won’t stop death, they are here to continue the conversation and bring about change in individual communities. It holds those accountable to continue works as well as infiltrate the minds of those who would rather ignore the situations. Although the media has moved on to newer stories, Kaepernick’s concerns are still here.

The bodies are the proof.