M.L.E.

Each gasp for air is just that; A Gasp

Two pairs of hands around my neck for so long, I can’t tell if I’m helping or holding myself down.

I missed something along the way. I must have overlooked something in my travels on this earth.

What did I miss? What was I not equipped with? Why do I not have that urge?

I don’t know. I ask myself then answer myself. It seems insane that I would be the answer and the blame.

I can’t sleep. Eyes opening still daydreaming as if I were a child.

Work, Sleep, Die.

Can’t be. This cannot be life. I must live!

I check the clock, not because I need to know the time, but only because I’m concerned with how much time has passed.

I’ve smoked more than I ever have before. I gives me time and space to think. The nicotine doesn’t do the justice. It can’t alter my mind.

I’ve made moves. Moves are present and future tense, as in “making”.

I don’t wait. It’s done, then on to the next.

Where is that drive? Where is that fire? Where are my connections to those I have connected with before?
I can’t hold on to you. I can’t hold on to it.

Some days I want to die. Not permanently, just for a little while. Time machine life. Go back and redo. Re-learn. Re-experience. Hold those moments. Harness that energy to recreate it again and again.

The energy is here. Then I let it leave.

Why?

Why do I have these bursts of brilliance, only to be satisfied with the moment?

I don’t fucking know. It’s frustrating. I don’t know who is in my way.

Is it me?

I don’t know it all, but I know enough to keep learning.

I must apply. Put it to use before I take myself down.

I don’t know what my thoughts are going to do next.

I don’t know what all is in there.

That’s what excites me. That’s what scares me.